A few years ago, I was your typical office-worker: stressed out, uneven energy, overweight, and inconsistent complexion. Now I'm just your typical 28-year old urban hunter-gatherer on a quest to be healthy, and having a few adventures along the way. See my full bio.
One topic that I have yet to write much about is relationships, dating, love, and sex. In part, this is because the most fascinating evolutionary perspective on relationships is found in the pick-up artist world, which can feel a little seedy at times. A lot of books and blogs on pick-up seem to have the goal of getting laid by almost any means necessary: canned lines, negs (teasing insults), and magic tricks (seriously). It can feel manipulative, and for some, pick-up can serve as an outlet or justification for misogynistic attitudes. There's a reason why many pick-up bloggers write with psuedonyms. But I don't write with a psuedonym, and my dear mother would be shocked and ashamed by even some of the tamest material. (My mother reads my blog.) So for a long time, I had no desire to go there -- not only for social reasons of reputation, but also for personal reasons: I do just fine with women. But relationships are a critical part of being a healthy person, it's an important topic, and so I'm going to put myself out there. This is about using evolutionary principles to build healthier relationships -- bringing pick-up out of shadows.
For those who aren't familiar, the basic thrust of pick-up is to teach men how to act more "alpha" by adopting behaviors that indicate high status, which is a quality that most women seek out in men. It's true: many women sexually reward assholes. (Have you ever heard a woman complain that she always seems to end up with jerks?) And for good reason back in the day: a man who got his way would be a good guy to have on your side 100,000 years ago. Particularly a tall and strong man who got his way.
Women have always desired high status men, all things equal, whether the status derives from artistic, academic, or athletic accomplishment -- or some other talent or resources. Status, of course, isn't the only quality that women desire in men, and looks isn't the only quality that men desire in women -- nor are they necessarily the most important. Both sexes care about kindness, intelligence, integrity, shared values, and humor, among others. But relative to one another, women tend to care more about status in men, and men tend to care more about physical appearance in women.
Pick-up tends to focus on these areas where men and women differ. Pick-Up 1.0 For Men teaches men how to act alpha (i.e., high status). But pick-up exists for women too -- it teaches women how to be physically attractive. Yes, that's right, Pick-Up 1.0 For Women is as old as time: use make-up, dress sexy, wear heels, and play hard to get. These are methods women have used to "manipulate" men since the invention of make-up, clothing, and high heels. And females, across the animal kingdom, have played hard to get pretty much since the beginning of sexual reproduction. Pick-up 1.0 For Men is actually more complicated because it concerns social behavior -- and codified into a system, it is a more recent phenomenon.
Why the recent popularity for pick-up among men? Decades ago, back before women became economically independent, a man could attract a good mate simply by earning a decent income. Pre-marital sex was taboo, no-fault divorce wasn't an option, and so men and women paired off at a fairly young age and got to work making babies. (I am neither idealizing nor condemning that system.) But women have incomes now. So for a guy looking for a mate, just earning 45k doesn't cut it anymore. The Nice Guy With A Steady Job strategy doesn't work as well as it used to. Sexual mores have also become more permissive, so both women and men have greater freedom to engage in premarital sex, and women have greater opportunity to do so with the man or men she prefers -- particularly during her sexual prime. Sexual dynamics have changed. And they've changed even for those who are already married. These are important topics with relevance to most people.
So where does pick-up fit in? Pick-up is just the beginning of a broader conversation about how to build healthy relationships in the modern world. So tomorrow, I'm going to review a book that helps bring the pick-up world out of the seediness and shadows, and starts to take a more holistic look at using evolutionary principles to build healthy relationships. Stay tuned.
Comments
Since you're getting into
Since you're getting into this topic, how about addressing the issue of monogamy? The idea that people just aren't built for 50+ years of sexual exclusivity with just one partner is coming under increasing attack in books like "Sex at Dawn" and most recently on the cover of the NYT.I know it's another big step, but it is undeniably related.
Since you're getting into
Since you're getting into this topic, how about addressing the issue of monogamy? The idea that people just aren't built for 50+ years of sexual exclusivity with just one partner is coming under increasing attack in books like "Sex at Dawn" and most recently on the cover of the NYT.I know it's another big step, but it is undeniably related.
Paleo lady here weighing in
Paleo lady here weighing in (unmarried, so this comment is with a grain of salt).The alpha + beta combo is key. Women DO like Nice Guys... however, in my n=1 experience, the Nice Guys think that Being Nice is all that matters. They don't tend to get the initiative to ask women out (and yeah, right or wrong, women like to be asked out, generally speaking). They don't take care of their appearance... and this is a big one. Because whatever the media and science and even other women tell you, appearance/looks matters. A LOT.I've gone on several dates with Nice Guys. The first date, he wore a suit, which was too much... trying too hard. The second date, I wore a casual sundress, he wore a hoodie with a hole in the sleeve and jeans. It's not just the first date that matters. Button down shirts and slacks are always called for. Wear clean shoes.Other dates I've been on, with genuinely nice guys, they wore cargo shorts and a loose t-shirt. If you're a nice guy, and you're not overweight, wear a shirt that shows off your figure. No matter how hot it is, wearing shorts on a date really just means you don't care. Shorts are things guys should only wear when running, gardening or sitting on the couch at home. And not date couch time. By yourself couch time. Shorts look cheap. Nice clothing makes you look like you make more money than you might. Or if you do make good money, shorts and t-shirt is a good way to poorly advertise that fact. I'm talking to you, IT guys, especially. You make good money, let me know that you do by wearing good clothes. You can show us your witty t-shirts later on in the relationship.Women like to look at men's bodies. We do. So just as much as you like to see women wearing tight clothing, women like to see the shape of your body too. Wear nice jeans that fit properly. And by properly, I mean, fairly tight jeans. Wear a nice shirt, or if you wear a t-shirt, wear one that fits. That means it conforms to your chest and arms a little. We want to see that your shoulders are broader than your waist and that your stomach is flat. And we want to see the general shape of your legs and butt.If you have hair that's longer than an inch, style it. Look at Good Looking Actors and see how they do their hair. Are you attracted to girls that only wear their hair in a plain ponytail all the time? Or do you like the women that style their hair? It goes both ways. If you're going bald, shave it all off, or keep it extremely short so it looks almost all shaved, Captain Picard style. And don't draw attention to the fact that you're going bald. Either I noticed or I didn't, but I still decided to go out with you in either case. But you making casual self-depricating comments about it on a first date isn't funny, it just means that I now know you're insecure about yourself, which is not attractive. (Yes, this has happened to me twice.) If you're insecure about yourself, that's fine... but hide it. Don't ask me if I find you attractive. Don't fish for compliments because it puts me in the position of either lying, or reassuring you that I do find you attractive... which then becomes unattractive. Compliment women, but don't ask us to do the same back to you. Fishing for a compliment is never sexy. If we think you look nice we will tell you, beause we like to reward good, purposeful, conscientious appearances since it's so rare in men, especially Nice Guys.I've been asked out by two Nice Guys. I had a lot of common interests with both. But I wasn't sexually attracted to them, because one was quite overweight and the other had Standard American Diet style greasy, unwashed hair. It doesn't matter how nice you are to me, and how many common interests we have, if you're not physically fit, and if you are and you're not showing it off, you're not going to get as much interest.So be a little alpha (looks/iniatiative/confidence/intelligence) and a little beta (all around decent human being). If making the argument that women are being tricky by using makeup, trick us back. Wear nice clothing, get a nice coiff, make sure your facial hair looks purposefully groomed, whatever your style may be. Generally speaking, weird ass sideburns are not attractive to women. (Some yes, but unless you really know your target audience for those, shave them. Sideburns should not be an accessory or distinguishing feature)(And in all fairness, I think all of the above applies to Nice Girls too. It can be a human problem versus a male versus females problem.)
Pickup and evolutionary-based
Pickup and evolutionary-based eating go hand-in-hand.Congratulations on having the balls to discuss this topic - it is the 3rd rail of paleo theory.One would expect that the big dogs of the paleo world - Glassman, Wolf, DeVaney, etc. are running harems. It would at least be consistent with their worldviews.PUAs are right on. E.g. CrossFit instructors bed their students. Guys like Robb have groupies. When women ovulate, they want to cheat with manly men, etc. see "Sperm Wars" for more info - that's the best book on the topic of human sexuality and evolution I've seen.
btw, John...I must say I've
btw, John...I must say I've been waiting for this post for awhile. Somehow I just saw it coming. I've been involved in this since 2008, learned a lot from EXPERIENCE(not just books and forums), so if you want someone to weigh in on this for an evolutionary perspective just let me know.
ha, yeah, I've been toying
ha, yeah, I've been toying with writing this post for awhile. definitely chime in based on your experience
Dude, if "Pick-up is just
Dude, if "Pick-up is just the beginning of a broader conversation about how to build healthy relationships in the modern world.", then you've lost me. Of course, I never claim to understand how most people choose relationships but I personally have never been remotely interested in a long-term relationship with anyone who tried anything like a pick-up. If you want to get laid it sounds like a good approach but if you want a healthy relationship, I'd suggest figuring out who you are (i.e. what really means something to you with respect to family, money, lifestyle, ethics, etc.) and then finding someone who "gets" that about you. I've only been with my husband for 7 years but I'm very confident that my approach to building healthy relationships in a modern world is far more likely to succeed than one that starts with "that outfit is very becoming on you..."
Pick-up isn't actually about
Pick-up isn't actually about pick-up lines. I totally agree that it's critical to develop who you are and what you stand for. One of the most important things a man can do is a have mission, a purpose in life. More soon.
All relationships start
All relationships start somewhere. You think that people never have healthy relationships that started with someone getting picked up at a bar or a club? Dream on.
It's not about getting picked
It's not about getting picked up at a bar or a club, or starting out as a one night stand or whatever. I'm talking about the whole philosphy behing the pua stuff , from what I understand of it, anyway. The idea of meeting someone with a detailed "plan of attack" so to speak just seems so odd. Things happening organically seems like the best bet for anything healthy.
Lena, you're looking at this
Lena, you're looking at this all wrong. This whole thing 'evolved' in our society because something was lacking. There's a lot of bad things about this community, but there's also lots of good things. Such as what John talked about, teaching men to lead and generally to become MEN again. There's a lot of women out there that say today's men have lost their masculinity. The thing that was lacking was the father figures that we originally had within our tribes, and throughout the generations became just our fathers, uncles, etc....to our modern age where some men don't even have father figures, or don't have very good ones that teach them how to live as men. That's where this community comes in. There's bs as with everything. I just ask you to look at it in a positive light. The negative aspects will filter themselves out eventually.
I'm really glad to see that
I'm really glad to see that you're taking this area seriously. I got into studying PUA (purely from personal interest - I'm a girl) around the same time I started eating Primal/Paleo/WAPF. I think they are part and parcel of the same drive - learning how to live optimally with our biology and instictive urges. I'm sure you're a pretty big expert in this, but the bloggers FreedomTwentyFive and NomadicNeill are active in both communities (PUA and Paleo). I'd also love to see more content about raising children in a more biologically appropriate manner - Melissa McEwen has been talking about this recently but it is SUCH a huge and important topic that people are loath to approach from an evolutionary perspective because they don't want to harm their kids by straying from what Big Science and the Child Product Industry say.
"Have you ever heard a woman
"Have you ever heard a woman complain that she always seems to end up with jerks?"You lost me there. Because, dude, women complain about that all the time! Go ahead, hide a recording device in a neighborhood salon and you'll see what I'm talking about. Many still stay with said jerks for a hell of a lot longer than I've ever been able to understand (because, I don't know, the X-chromosome carries the masochist gene and since we get two of them...?), but they still recognize that they're with jerks and complain plenty. Maybe it's something most women tend to complain about amongst themselves and that's why you're unaware of this. As for the whole pick-up thing...I'll try to read your thought with an open mind, but I've yet to read anything that makes me view it as anything but a bunch of dudebros hoping to get laid by hot chicks (because every single thing I've read indicates it's about attracting only 1 particular type of woman). Which isn't a bad thing, but I don't buy that the ulitmate goal is a long-term, healthy relationship. I look forward to reading your take on it.
Lena,I think you might have
Lena,I think you might have read that paragraph wrong. John was saying exactly that women complain all the time about ending up with jerks. At least that is how I read it. Women go for the Alpha and they know they are jerks. The problem is inherent in the system - the non-jerks don't approach the girls and don't enter into the equation. I read it that way because I've always been one of the non-jerks and had no idea there was such a think as PUA. It creeps me out a bit.
That's actually what I meant
That's actually what I meant about women complaining about jerks -- that it's a frequent complaint! I agree that most of the pick-up so far is dudebros (great word, by the way)...stay tuned.
Ah, got it! I thought you
Ah, got it! I thought you were trotting out the "Nice guys finish last" trope, which always annoys me.
Well, we do finish last, but
Well, we do finish last, but last isn't necessarily bad in this situation. I believe I found the best woman in the world for my wife and didn't need to be alpha or PUA or anything ;)
I prefer reading about and
I prefer reading about and practicing 'pickup' that focuses more on inner game than outergame. People new to the PUA world tend to think it's all about 'Outergame'. What does that mean exactly? Outergame is the canned lines, negs, and 'tricks'. For some people it is a simple mechanism to get the ball rolling and allow them to talk to a woman to explore the connection. For someone that has been an AFC (Average Frustrated Chump) his whole life - those training wheels are what they need to make a connection. It's not necessarily the main focus for most people and without any innergame, you will still be a jerk and will come through to the woman anyway. Innergame is more about how you view yourself in the world, how you carry yourself and interact with all kinds of people. It's about figuring out your passion and being a solid individual. It's figuring out how to contribute to society at large, not just getting a phone number. Look forward to your post tomorrow! Hopefully this post isn't viewed as 'amoging'. ;-)
I prefer reading about and
I prefer reading about and practicing 'pickup' that focuses more on inner game than outergame. People new to the PUA world tend to think it's all about 'Outergame'. What does that mean exactly? Outergame is the canned lines, negs, and 'tricks'. For some people it is a simple mechanism to get the ball rolling and allow them to talk to a woman to explore the connection. For someone that has been an AFC (Average Frustrated Chump) his whole life - those training wheels are what they need to make a connection. It's not necessarily the main focus for most people and without any innergame, you will still be a jerk and will come through to the woman anyway. Innergame is more about how you view yourself in the world, how you carry yourself and interact with all kinds of people. It's about figuring out your passion and being a solid individual. It's figuring out how to contribute to society at large, not just getting a phone number. Look forward to your post tomorrow! Hopefully this post isn't viewed as 'amoging'. ;-)
Innergame for the win.
Innergame for the win. Couldn't agree more. Man on a mission.
Right on, I want to nip this
Right on, I want to nip this in the butt right now. This whole pua community has been growing a lot for the past 10 years. It's gotten so big that it has turned into an industry. With that comes a lot of bad advice(and you all know what I'm talking about). Just a warning, a lot of that stuff IS manipulative and a lot of it doesn't work. There's a lot of really good advice for meeting, attracting, and cultivating healthier relationships than you can imagine. You just have to sift through the BS.
Mikemota, even your
Mikemota, even your description of Inner game is much more attractive than Outer game. A guy who wants to contribute to society? Wow! I find that much more "alpha" than the guy with the height and expensive car. Give me the passionate, solid individual any day. Oh, and I dislike Negs. When I hear one, it sends up a red flag for me. I see the person as passive-aggressive and someone I don't want to be around. Nothing humorous about insults. I remember being at a party with a female friend who had crooked teeth. A guy asked her, "So who bashed your teeth in?" Perhaps he was trying to be funny but he hurt her feelings and made her feel small -- that turnd off all the women at the party and word quickly spread around to avoid this guy.
Mikemota, even your
Mikemota, even your description of Inner game is much more attractive than Outer game. A guy who wants to contribute to society? Wow! I find that much more "alpha" than the guy with the height and expensive car. Give me the passionate, solid individual any day. Oh, and I dislike Negs. When I hear one, it sends up a red flag for me. I see the person as passive-aggressive and someone I don't want to be around. Nothing humorous about insults. I remember being at a party with a female friend who had crooked teeth. A guy asked her, "So who bashed your teeth in?" Perhaps he was trying to be funny but he hurt her feelings and made her feel small -- that turnd off all the women at the party and word quickly spread around to avoid this guy.