Kissing

Say you're going to kiss someone.  But that someone has just eaten a bag of strongly flavored grains or grain-products.  Namely, Ranch Doritos.  What do you do?

• The Context: You've never kissed this girl before tonight.  She's cute, likes dogs, and eats meat -- what's not to like?  However, you did kiss her earlier in the evening, right before leaving the venue -- just to remove the tension, avoid the awkwardness around needlessly splitting a cab (Here, let me get in this taxi with you that is going in the exact opposite direction I am going), being forced to make a move on the busy sidewalk, or having to sit it out until next time.  So kissing right now isn't an imperative.  It's all gravy.  Cool Ranch flavored gravy.

• Timing: You're not catching her mid-bite, so it's not as if she still has any substantial amount of grains or grain-products in her mouth.   That said, you can bet you're gonna taste that zesty Doritos boldness, so there's technically still some there, right?  (Note: The Mid-Bite Kiss would be a highly unconventional, but nonetheless interesting move -- so clearly doomed to fail at getting a kiss that it would almost certainly succeed at getting a laugh.  Requires high levels of confidence and a good sense of humor.  Not ideal for first kiss.)

• Health Concerns: Due to the negligible amount of Doritos that you will likely ingest, it should not provoke a strong glycemic response from your body.  You don't count calories, but they would be minimal, and may even be net negative when you factor in your increased heart rate and interval training (roving hands repeatedly getting slapped away).  You aren't celiac, so trace amounts of gluten aren't an issue.  On the plus side, kissing is good for your health, right?  There must be a study that says that somewhere.

Note: If you are allergic to the food item eaten by the person you are going to kiss, you should abstain, or politely ask them to brush their teeth.  You could even carry a spare toothbrush, depending on how desperate you are to kiss someone.  (My cousin is allergic to peanuts, and couldn't kiss her boyfriend if he had eaten peanuts recently.  She's now married to a guy who is also allergic to peanuts.  Never has that dude been so happy to have a food allergy.)

• Long-Term Implications: Should you really be kissing girls that don't share you core, fundamental values?  Isn't the foundation of a healthy relationship a set of common beliefs on things like snack foods and what to have for dinner?  Shouldn't we strive to be like those vegansexuals who only have sex with other vegans?  Would it not be a grand statement and inducement to eat paleo if I were only to kiss girls who also ate paleo?

No, no, no, and definitely not.  But don't expect to see me neckin' with some vegan.  Even you, Natalie Portman.