Empathy for being objectified

Some men have faced a lot of rejection at the hands of women, and grow bitter from it.  But it's also important to understand women's perspective, particularly that of young/attractive women, who get hit on all...the...time.  Especially in a city like New York.

If you're a young, attractive woman you might get hit on by: the guy at the fruit stand, the guy sitting next to you on the subway, your boss, co-workers, men at bars, everywhere.  Every day.

The best way for a straight man to sympathize with women is to spend an evening at a gay bar.  I don't say this because of anything having to do with homosexuality, per se -- I say it because it puts you on the other side of the male sex drive.  It clearly isn't going to work at a lesbian bar.

This is what you'll find, particularly if you're physically attractive:

  • A lot of men make eye contact with you
  • They blatantly check out your body
  • They approach you and hit on you
  • Some may even initiate physical contact, even in small ways (hand on shoulder, hand on arm, etc.)

Now, I'm not at all saying that this is all that gay men care about -- far from it.  And this isn't all that straight men care about -- far from it.  Again, I view this as more of a male thing than a gay thing.  These are just the first things that a straight guy will notice relative to his typical existence living in a largely straight world.  It will give you a rough idea of being on the other side of the male sex drive.

Even if it starts out as flattering, I could see how this could get old after awhile if you're not into it.  And how you might start to put up defenses and start to reject men out of hand.  At the same time, I also could see how it might send you on a power trip.

Anyhow, worth doing.

RIP Micah True

Caballo Blanco has passed away.  He went for a 12-mile run and never came back.  Many ultra-marathoners converged to search for him.  I'm sure Chris McDougall, Barefoot Ted, and others will share memories in the coming weeks.

Caballo Blanco, long may you run.

Just kids having fun

Everyone remembers the classic scene from Crocodile Dundee where Mick and Sue get held up at knife point. 

"That's not a knife.  THAT'S a knife."

But I had forgotten the hilarious line that Mick says right after.

Don't treat all women as sex objects (just the one you like)

Men objectify women for their looks.  It happens all the time.  And it's important for men to learn how to not objectify women for their physical beauty and to treat them as human beings.  But here's the thing: when a man learns how to do this, it is one of those happy situations where it's possible to do good AND do well.

First of all, it's the right thing to do.  Nobody likes to be objectified, whether it's a woman and her looks or a man and his wallet.  Or vice versa.  Human beings don't like be reduced to objects.  Period.

But that's not the only good reason to do it...

Second, not paying attention to looks will help you attract good-looking women.  Attractive women have a lot of male suitors, so unsurprisingly, they often have their defenses up.  A generic compliment -- nice eyes -- is likely to fall flat.  But when a man comes along who acts nonplussed about her looks, it's a signal of high status.  This guy must hang around a lot of attractive women to not care about it anymore.

Third, as a man, it's really quite liberating. You have no idea how much brain-energy most men devote to thinking about attractive women.  It's not fun to be objectified on the basis of looks, but nor is fun to feel enslaved by desire for an object that you can't have.

So don't get fixated on looks.  Easy to say, hard to do -- I love a woman with a 0.7 waist-to-hip ratio as much as the next guy.  So here are a few concrete things men can do to learn how to not objectify women:

1) Interact with attractive women

For a lot of men, it can be hard to speak with an attractive woman without fawning and drooling.  The solution is to speak with enough attractive women -- ideally date them -- but of course, if that were easy, then it wouldn't be a problem, now would it?  So you've got to find opportunities to speak with attractive women where you don't feel any pressure to pick them up.

Here are three possibilities:

1. Live with them.  Not everyone has this opportunity, but it's a great life experience.  When you live with someone -- male or female -- you get the good, the bad, and the ugly.  As it turns out, attractive women have the same bodily functions as the rest of us, including burping, farting, and throwing up.  Be sure to lay down an ironclad rule that there is no hooking up between roommates and stick with it.  This is prudent for a number of reasons, but it also takes the pressure off, and allows you to deal with them just as people.

2. Visit high-end clothing stores, which are usually staffed with attractive women.  If a male staff-member asks if you need help, say you're just browsing.  If a female staff-member asks, take her up on it.  Have her help you pick out a few things to try on.  Tell her to give you her opinion.  Take her opinion into account, but don't necessarily agree with her out of some misguided attempt to ingratiate yourself to her.  Go in there knowing that you aren't going to ask for her number, which will take the pressure off.  Remember, she's working and might be on commission, so if you know you're not going to buy anything, go in when it's not busy so you don't waste her time.

3. Go to a gentlemen's club, but don't buy any dances and just have a beer at the bar. Maybe watch whatever sporting event they have on TV. Dancers will approach you and start a conversation. Remember, they're on the job and are there to make money, so if you're not going to buy a dance -- which I suggest you don't -- don't string them along.  Be respectful and straightforward, and just tell them that you're not buying a dance at the moment, but if they'd like to chat for a bit, they're welcome to.  If they move on, it's no big deal.  If they stay and talk, then you've just taken the pressure off.  Don't say anything that a 46-year old, overweight douchebag might say, which includes pretty much any question about dancing.  Once the pressure is off, and if you're enjoying the conversation, then buy her a drink.  But don't buy her a drink as a way to ingratiate yourself -- that's not the point and it won't work.  Just buy her a drink as a nice thing to do.  It's sucks to buy a drink for a girl when you expect something in return and she feels entitled to the drink.  It's much more enjoyable to spend money on someone when neither of you expect anything in return.  It allows you to be generous and her to be appreciative.  Also, don't go during peak hours. 

2) Interacting with unattractive women

  • Don't ignore them.  It doesn't matter where you are or in what situation.  Part of not caring about looks is also learning to care about other qualities in people.

Note that these points can apply equally to women in relation to men, though the emphasis may not be on physical attractiveness.  If it sounds awful to say that men ignore unattractive women, please consider that women also reject low status men.  And when men ignore women, at least there's no active rejection because women rarely approach men.  Women often have to reject men to their face.  The average man has been rejected, to his face, lots and lots and lots of times.  That ain't a pleasant feeling.  So perhaps we can agree that it isn't very much fun to be ignored or rejected.

----

Of course, I'm still aware of a woman's attractiveness and value it.  And there are two ways in which I unabashedly objectify a woman -- even to her face.

First, when I consider a woman's health and beauty, I pay special attention to things that are under her control and reflect the choices and decisions she makes.  Does she respect her body?  Does she exercise?  Is she a little too self-absorbed with her own beauty?  These may manifest themselves as superficial qualities, but they aren't superficial at all -- they reflect her character and values.  That said, it's hard to get a read on these things when people are still young, because health comes so effortlessly to young people.  I didn't start getting healthy until a couple years after college, so who am I to talk.

Second, if we've screened each other for deeper qualities and respect each other as human beings, that's when it's the most fun to start treating her as a sex object.  And vice versa.  Read the plot of any romance novel -- women want to feel sexually irresistible to the man she covets.  She WANTS to be the OBJECT of his sexual desire.  She wants him to objectify her.  If I hear one consistent complaint from women about men they're dating or married to, it's that once they're in bed, men don't objectify women ENOUGH.

So men, here's the bottom line: don't objectify all women as sex objects-- just the one you care about.  And then objectify the hell out of her.

Power and corruption in the sexual marketplace

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." - Lord Acton

Power corrupts.  And when it comes to sexual dynamics, men and women have different bases of power.  And this means men and women face different sources of corruption.

There is much overlap in the qualities each sex looks for in long-term mates (intelligence, kindness, sense of humor, etc.), but we all know where they diverge.  Women tend to judge men based on status.  Men tend to judge women based on looks -- youth and beauty being proxies for fertility.

So when men have status, they are sexually powerful.  When women have youth and beauty, they are sexually powerful.  And when either a man or a woman is powerful, it can corrupt their character -- whether they realize it or not.

For example, subordinates will often tell powerful men, like a CEO, what they think the CEO wants to hear.  And wealthy men quickly learn that their wealth often changes how people interact with them, and everyone seems to want something.  (This happens to wealthy women too, of course, but is mostly irrelevant to sexual dynamics since men don't throw themselves at wealthy old women.)

The same sort of thing occurs with powerful women -- i.e., young and beautiful women.   Beautiful women can't help but know they're beautiful -- they get hit on all the time and many men explicitly tell them so.  But like the CEO who is told what he wants to hear, beautiful women often don't seem aware how much people change their behavior around them. They assume that everyone is kind and nice and is always happy to do them favors. For example, young or beautiful women who travel in foreign countries have substantially different experiences than most other people -- because local high status males pick them up, show them a good time, and do them favors. I love to travel!  It's so much fun!

These sources of power come about in different ways.

Men usually have to earn their sexual power, and these days, it tends to come late in life after decades of effort.  (Note: this would not have been true when men gained status only through violence and military conquest which tend to be youthful pursuits...and socially unproductive ones.)  Many of these powerful old, men did things to earn their power: built a company, wrote music, or made a scientific discovery.  

But women are given their sexual power, and it tends to come early in life with little effort required.  It is an inheritance.  But instead of it being a financial inheritance, it's a biological one.  Women are born wealthy.

So this creates a bit of an asymmetry in how these sources of power corrupt men and women.

For men, corrupting forces tend to hit men late in life after decades of exertion.  And these days, that effort usually requires a certain amount of discipline, and instills an appreciation for what brought you your success.  (Note what often happens when young men inherit too much, too early -- it corrupts them.)

For women, corrupting forces tend to hit women early, after little to no exertion.  Youth and beauty are the ultimate inheritance -- aging, the ultimate death tax.  Thus, young and beautiful women seem to be the people who are most susceptible to corruption (since it happens when they're young and they do nothing to earn it).  And they seem to be the people most easily hurt by their loss of power as they age...particularly if they squandered their inheritance rather than trading it for something of longer term value.

What to do about it?

My humble suggestion is to look to Old Money.  Many Old Money families instill (or attempt to instill) certain values in future generations to prevent them from being corrupted by their financial inheritance.  And then just apply those learnings to how we might think about a biological inheritance.

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